It's Official: "Fair Game" is a Flop!
In what they call the film "specialty market" come two
new films this weekend in what they call "limited release":
the Valerie Plame story, starring Sean Penn ("Fair
Game"); and Danny Boyle's "127 Hours," in which
James Franco cuts his own arm off.
The numbers do not bode well at all for "Fair Game";
released initially in 46 theaters, it made a
pitiful $180,000 on its first day of release.
Compare that to Boyle's film, released in only
four -- count 'em, four!-- theaters. And it made
around $80,000, nearly half of what "Fair Game"
made with the advantage of being in almost
12 times the number of theaters.
Devastating to Penn & Co. But they should have seen the
failure coming. After all, nobody wants to see a flick
on the Iraq War. Period. Everyone agrees it was an
unnecessary conflict. Everyone agrees the U.S. went
in under false pretenses. Any dramatization of the Plame story
lends itself to very predictable outrage and very Manichean
moralizing. Juicing it up with fictional stuff just lowers
the value of the parts that are true. This is what
the folks at Summit should've been thinking before they
greenlighted the project.
* * * *
Speaking of failure, a publishing house (that will
remain nameless) just published a collection of the
newspaper writings of a former colleague (who shall
also remain nameless). When I heard the news, I thought:
there couldn't possibly be demand for this guy's
rather ordinary hack work. I looked it up
on Amazon and, sure enough, there's not. The book
has rocketed from number 167,125 to 167,127. Which
sounds about right. (And it even had the benefit
of a foreward by a bona fide genius, too!)
* * *
Barbara Boxer, 6 p.m., November 1st
Here's Sen. Boxer, as she appeared a couple hours ago in
Oakland, Calif. [photo by Paul Iorio]
Here's Sen. Boxer, as she appeared a couple hours ago inOakland, Calif. [photo by Paul Iorio]
,
At the rally, Boxer looked and sounded confident of a
win tomorrow. Also at the gathering: Jerry Brown, Barbara
Lee and Kamala Harris (very charismatic in person). Missing
in action: Gavin Newsom.
Frankly, at this hour in the Bay Area, you wouldn't even know
there was an election tomorrow, what with all the mania about the
Giants winning the World Series. In fact, that's all anybody's
talking about right now. Local news broadcasts are devoting
the first fifteen minutes to the Giants. And people are out
in the streets with signs like "Fear the Beard."
Election? Voter anger? Republican wave? All swept away
by the Lincecum landslide.
But I digress. Paul
At the rally, Boxer looked and sounded confident of a
win tomorrow. Also at the gathering: Jerry Brown, Barbara
Lee and Kamala Harris (very charismatic in person). Missing
in action: Gavin Newsom.
Frankly, at this hour in the Bay Area, you wouldn't even know
there was an election tomorrow, what with all the mania about the
Giants winning the World Series. In fact, that's all anybody's
talking about right now. Local news broadcasts are devoting
the first fifteen minutes to the Giants. And people are out
in the streets with signs like "Fear the Beard."
Election? Voter anger? Republican wave? All swept away
by the Lincecum landslide.
But I digress. Paul
Exclusive new info about Nazi group to which a Tea Party candidate belonged
The Tea Hall Putsch
Rich Iott with fellow Tea Partyers? (Not pictured: former
marketing manager for the anti-Semitic film "The Passion of the
Christ," Christine O'Donnell.) [photo from The Atlantic]
marketing manager for the anti-Semitic film "The Passion of the
Christ," Christine O'Donnell.) [photo from The Atlantic]
U.S. House candidate Rich Iott, whose last name looks surprisingly
like a misspelling of the word idiot, has spent the last week claiming that the
Nazi military reenactment group to which he belonged for years was not
a pro-Nazi group at all. No, he says, it was just a historical society
with no Third Reich sympathies whatsoever.
That's a lie.
My own research shows that past editions of the group's website
express explicit support for the Nazis, portraying them (almost
unbelievably) as heroes of the eastern front and re-casting
the Nazi cause, nauseatingly, as a fight against communism,
which it surely was not.
I was able to unearth a long-vanished edition of the website of
the Wiking group, which stages the reenactments, and here's
how the group defined itself back on May 1, 2003, when Iott
was an active member:
"It is our aim to bring you a bit of actual history
behind the men who fought against the "Bolshevik
scourge"; volunteers who came from the various
Northern European countries allied with Hitler's
Germany who only had a desire to see an end to
Soviet Communism."
"It is our aim to bring you a bit of actual history
behind the men who fought against the "Bolshevik
scourge"; volunteers who came from the various
Northern European countries allied with Hitler's
Germany who only had a desire to see an end to
Soviet Communism."
At another point on the site, it provides a link to
another re-enactment group and describes them this way (I thought I was in the middle of a
Mel Brooks satire for a moment, but, alas, this is
for real):
"Czech "Groþdeutschland" Reenactors: These guys get to play with all the cool stuff! Real, live Czechs in the Czech Republic actually reenacting, running T-34's and the whole 9 yards! "
Wow! Real live Czechs! See them run from the SS!
What's Iott gonna do for an encore? Rent an
airplane and crash into cardboard replicas
of the World Trade Center towers, re-enacting
the 9/11 attack by god-fearing militants against
infidels (as he might put it)?
Check it out for yourselves. Here's the May 1, 2003, edition of the Wiking site:
http://web.archive.org/web/20030501090728/http://wiking.org/
And here's the newly sanitized 2010 version of the site:
http://www.wiking.org/
And here's the newly sanitized 2010 version of the site:
http://www.wiking.org/
I wonder when a Tea Partyer is going to apologize and say
the following: "To the Russian people: we truly apologize for the
American scumbags who are distorting history and
denigrating the brave and noble sacrifices made by
Soviet soldiers to defeat the Nazis. To the Russian
vets of that era, we apologize. America couldn't
have won the war without you."
But I digress. Paul
_________________
On a much lighter note: a candidate for governor in Illinois,
Rich Whitney, has had his name misspelled on some ballots, and
he's pissed. You would be, too; he's been re-named "Rich Whitey."
Read all about it in the NYT at this link:
http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/14/voting-machine-mangles-an-illinois-candidates-name/?scp=5&sq=whitney&st=cse
But I digress. Paul
_____________________________
http://www.zshare.net/myzshare/verify_email.php?token=~~4d6a497a4d4445344e6930784d6a41354d5442364e413d3d
* * * *
Just back from the Berkeley (Calif.) Art Museum (BAM)
and am really jazzed by the photos in the Marjolijn Dijkman
exhibition. Dozens of pics, each one fresher than he
next. Here're a couple:
* * * *
Now for a couple recent pics of my own. Here's a shot
of a bison that I ran into on my way to the Hardly
Strictly fest in Golden Gate Park last Friday.
And here's a shot of a highway leading into Berkeley:
=========================
Is the Rev. Fred Phelps Gay?
Phelps might well be gay. Psychologists often note that
those who protest too much about something are trying
to hide their true tendences. [photo by unknown
photographer]
Phelps might well be gay. Psychologists often note that
those who protest too much about something are trying
to hide their true tendences. [photo by unknown
photographer]
Last Saturday's Arcade Fire Show
Win Butler of the Arcade Fire, at an
earlier concert. [photographer unknown]
Win Butler of the Arcade Fire, at anearlier concert. [photographer unknown]
,
"It may be chilly for you, but for us it's fuckin' summer,"
said Win Butler of the Arcade Fire from the stage last
Saturday night in Berkeley, Calif. "Pardon my French. I have
to learn how to watch my language onstage."
Butler was referring to the fact that he and his band are
based in cold Montreal (though, truth be told, he grew up
in Texas, which is way hotter than Berkeley!).
Whatever the weather, and it was a bit brisk that night,
the band sure warmed the place up, playing half of its new
album, the superb "The Suburbs"; half of its '04 debut, "Funeral";
as well as a few tracks from "Neon Bible."
Some of the new material held its own with the classics,
particularly set opener "Ready to Start," which had an
otherworldly magic, "We Used to Wait" and the title track.
But the band's trump cards are still the vintage stuff from
the debut -- the "Neighborhood" songs (especially
the first one), "Rebellion" and the Bowie-meets-Motown finale
"Wake Up" -- plus the second album's "Intervention," almost
all saved for the encores.
In concert, with thousands of fans singing along, those tunes
have a heroic, rousing quality, like the sound of victorious
warriors who have just won a major battle. By the end of
"Neighborhood #2," I almost thought I was in "Invictus," what
with all the mass singing (even in the hills above the Greek
Theater, where I heard the show).
And the unison vocalizing by the female singers is one of
the most attractive sounds in pop music today (even if it
does sound a bit like "brrr, this is Montreal!").
The Arcade Fire may well be the most evocative and stirring
band of the early 21st century, a group for whom symphonic
grandeur is not a pretension but a natural way of singing
and composing. They approach complex and intricate
musical ideas with the fluidity of the Ramones.
Truly great stuff, on and off stage.
But I digress. Paul
_____________________________________________________
"It may be chilly for you, but for us it's fuckin' summer,"
said Win Butler of the Arcade Fire from the stage last
Saturday night in Berkeley, Calif. "Pardon my French. I have
to learn how to watch my language onstage."
Butler was referring to the fact that he and his band are
based in cold Montreal (though, truth be told, he grew up
in Texas, which is way hotter than Berkeley!).
Whatever the weather, and it was a bit brisk that night,
the band sure warmed the place up, playing half of its new
album, the superb "The Suburbs"; half of its '04 debut, "Funeral";
as well as a few tracks from "Neon Bible."
Some of the new material held its own with the classics,
particularly set opener "Ready to Start," which had an
otherworldly magic, "We Used to Wait" and the title track.
But the band's trump cards are still the vintage stuff from
the debut -- the "Neighborhood" songs (especially
the first one), "Rebellion" and the Bowie-meets-Motown finale
"Wake Up" -- plus the second album's "Intervention," almost
all saved for the encores.
In concert, with thousands of fans singing along, those tunes
have a heroic, rousing quality, like the sound of victorious
warriors who have just won a major battle. By the end of
"Neighborhood #2," I almost thought I was in "Invictus," what
with all the mass singing (even in the hills above the Greek
Theater, where I heard the show).
And the unison vocalizing by the female singers is one of
the most attractive sounds in pop music today (even if it
does sound a bit like "brrr, this is Montreal!").
The Arcade Fire may well be the most evocative and stirring
band of the early 21st century, a group for whom symphonic
grandeur is not a pretension but a natural way of singing
and composing. They approach complex and intricate
musical ideas with the fluidity of the Ramones.
Truly great stuff, on and off stage.
But I digress. Paul
_____________________________________________________
Hardly Strictly Fest Tops Itself -- Again!Golden Gate Park Turns Into a Vast Dancefloor
The Dukes of September, performing last night.
[photo by Paul Iorio]
The Friday evening kick-off performances of the Hardly Strictly
Bluegrass music festival in San Francisco's Golden Gate
Park, always at twilight, are almost infallibly magical. But
even past concerts by Alison Krauss/Robert Plant and Jeff
Tweedy, great as they were, were either equaled or outshone
by last night's gig by supergroup the Dukes of September
(featuring Donald Fagen, Michael McDonald and Boz Scaggs).
It was, in effect, a concert by Steely Dan, McDonald's
Doobie Brothers and Scaggs, with all three playing
their very best (and best-known) material, plus covers
that almost eclipsed the songs most came to hear.
I mean, to hear Fagen sing Thunderclap Newman's "Something
in the Air" is to experience the best version of that song you've
ever heard. The tune fits Fagen's vocal range and style
perfectly, as if it had been written for him. And when the band
hit that brilliant key change, the whole crowd was lifted to the
clouds (or would have been, had there been clouds in the sky
last night).
But the audience was there to dance, and thousands did
and had plenty to dance about: namely, "Reeling in
the Years" followed by "Peg"; a soulful "Takin' It
to the Streets" and "What a Fool Believe"; and
Scaggs biggest hit "Lowdown," not to mention a cover
of the O'Jay's "Love Train" that probably had even the
nearby bison bouncing around the paddock. I can't
remember the last time I saw a concert at which so many
people were smiling and dancing.
And we all have entrepreneur Warren Hellman to thank
for this three-day fest, which continues through Sunday.
Because of his generosity, admission is free.
Boz Scaggs wows the crowd with "Lowdown" last night [photo by Paul Iorio]
But I digress. Paul
Sailing to Byzantiummy trip to Islam
The border stamp that got me into Islam from behind the Iron Curtain (above).Hey, I can boast what many Muslims can't:
I've actually glimpsed the Muslim Prophet
Muhammad first-hand. No joke.
Well, I've seen parts of him -- a lock of his
beard hair (he had dark hair), one of his teeth and his
footprint (he had an average-to-large shoe size), all on
display (along with his sword -- I guess he was a
violent guy, too) in one of the most sacred spots in all
of Islam: the Pavilion of the Holy Mantle in Istanbul.
(And no less than the Topkapi claims the artifacts
are authentic!)
It's amazing they allow non-Muslims like me in there.
I bet even supposed Muslims like bin Laden and al-Awlaki
haven't been there. (And if they haven't, they certainly
never will in the future. Those two have clearly haj-ed
their last haj!)
You see, Muhammad arguably belongs to me more than
he belongs to Muslims who have never bothered to take the
journey to Istanbul to see the parts of him on display there.
And I'm a non-theist who sees Muhammad strictly as a historical
figure, not as a religious one.
So for someone to say that I can't draw a picture of him
or to describe him as I see fit is highly offensive to me. It's
like someone saying I can't criticize Napoleon, Pericles
or Newt Gingrich.
Nobody owns the copyright of Muhammad or of his writings.
He belongs to me, a secularist, as much as he belongs
to the devout. Muslims don't own him.
And my opinion, frankly, is that Muhammad never said
or wrote anything as memorable or wise as Nieztsche,
Sartre, Plato or Bob Dylan did. I'm not joking. The Koran
is a crashing bore, mostly self-promotional stuff along the lines
of "you must worship me and only me yada yada yada."
And in his personal life, Muhammad appears to have been
a bit of a pervert, screwing around with prepubescent
girls and having way too many wives to be considered
anything but aberrant. If he were alive today, there'd
surely be a place for him -- on Megan's List!
That said, I really did give him and the Koran a
shot, traveling hundreds of miles by local train to
get to Islam when I was a teenager. And I must
admit that some of the art inspired by The Koran --
the Blue Mosque, which has forever changed my
view of blue, and some byzantine mosaics -- is
some of the most enduring of the Ottoman Era.
And the locals who I enjoyed most in Istanbul
were the Muslim hippies who hung around The
Pudding Shop and sold me banned music like
"Nem Kaldi" by the late rocker Cem Karaca, forced
into exile by the government because of his
"treasonous" music.
By the way, I entered Islam through a rare entrance:
from the Iron Curtain, at the only major eastern border
of the Soviet bloc nations that actually opened to a
NATO/Islamic country.
The border crossing is called Edirne, where Turkey,
Greece and Bulgaria meet in Thrace, and I arrived there,
all alone and barely nineteen, around midnight one night
in 1976. "Long wait at the Bulgaria/Turkey border," I
wrote in my journal that night. "Soldiers [with rifles] all around
checking bags, shining lights....It is pitch black and
probably midnight."
Very tense border crossing.
The stamp that got me into Islam from behind the Iron
Curtain is above (it says "Edirne").
But I digress. Paul
_______________________
Here's the passport stamp.
Edirne
Play It Again, Osama*
INT. OSAMA'S BACHELOR APARTMENT, SOMEWHERE IN WAZIRISTAN
OSAMA BIN LADEN (to himself): What's the matter with me?
Why can't I be cool like the Prophet Muhammad? What's the secret?
An imaginary Prophet Muhammad, wearing a fedora and looking
and sounding like Humphrey Bogart, appears from the shadows.
PROPHET MUHAMMAD: There's no secret, kid.
Infidels are simple. I never met one that didn't understand
a slap in the mouth or a slug from a .44.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Yeah, 'cause you're Muhammad.
I'm not like you. When you lost Aisha, weren't you crushed?
PROPHET MOHAMMED: Nothing a little bourbon and soda
wouldn't fix. Take my advice and forget all the romantic stuff.
The world is full of infidels to fight. All you have to do is whistle.
OSAMA: He's right. You give the unbelievers an inch
and they step all over you. Why can't I develop that attitude?
[mimicking Muhammad] Nothing a little bourbon and soda
couldn't fix. [He swigs a shot of Old Crow, gags.]
CUT TO:
INT. TORA BORA APARTMENT OF DICK AND LINDA CHRISTIE (OSAMA'S FRIENDS)
LINDA CHRISTIE: Osama's calling again. We've got to find him a girl.
Somebody he can be with, get excited about, fight infidels with.
DICK CHRISTIE: We'll have to find him a nice girl.
LINDA: There must be somebody out there. Someone to take his
mind off losing Mohamed Atta. I think he really loved Atta like a wife.
DICK [picking up phone]: I know just the girl for him.
CUT TO:
INT. OSAMA'S APARTMENT
Osama is preparing for his date, which is in an hour or so.
Again, from the shadows comes an imaginary Prophet Muhammad.
MUHAMMAD: You're starting off on the wrong foot.
OSAMA: Yeah, negative.
MUHAMMAD: Sure. They're getting the best of you
before the game starts. What's that stuff you put on your face?
OSAMA: Canoe. It's an aftershave lotion.
MUHAMMAD: You know, kid, somewhere in life
you got turned around. It's her job to smell nice for you.
The only bad thing is if she turns out to be a virgin --
or an agent for the JTTF!
OSAMA: With my luck, she'll turn out to be both.
TITLE CARD: Later That Night....
INT. OSAMA'S APARTMENT -- LATE AT NIGHT
The doorbell rings and Osama opens the door. It's Linda.
LINDA: How did the date go?
OSAMA: It never would have worked between us.
She's a Sufi, I'm a Sunni, it's a great religious abyss.
LINDA: [laughing]
OSAMA: You're laughing and my sex life
is turning into the Petrified Forest.
Millions of women in the Northwest Frontier
Province and I can't wind up with one!
Osama takes a seat on the couch and Linda sits next to him.
OSAMA: I'm turning into the strike-out king
of Waziristan!
LINDA: You need to be more confident, secure.
OSAMA: You know who's not insecure?
The Prophet Muhammad.
LINDA: That's not real life. You set too high a standard.
OSAMA: If I'm gonna identify with someone,
who am I gonna pick? My imam? Muhammad's a perfect image.
LINDA: You don't need to pretend. You're you.
Osama nudges closer to Linda on the couch.
LINDA: How did the date go?
OSAMA: It never would have worked between us.
She's a Sufi, I'm a Sunni, it's a great religious abyss.
LINDA: [laughing]
OSAMA: You're laughing and my sex life
is turning into the Petrified Forest.
Millions of women in the Northwest Frontier
Province and I can't wind up with one!
Osama takes a seat on the couch and Linda sits next to him.
OSAMA: I'm turning into the strike-out king
of Waziristan!
LINDA: You need to be more confident, secure.
OSAMA: You know who's not insecure?
The Prophet Muhammad.
LINDA: That's not real life. You set too high a standard.
OSAMA: If I'm gonna identify with someone,
who am I gonna pick? My imam? Muhammad's a perfect image.
LINDA: You don't need to pretend. You're you.
Osama nudges closer to Linda on the couch.
Suddenly, the imaginary Muhammad appears and speaks to Osama.
MUHAMMAD: Go ahead, make your move.
OSAMA: No, I can't.
MUHAMMAD: Take her and kiss her..
LINDA (getting up to go to the kitchen): I'll get us both a drink.
MUHAMMAD: Well, kid, you blew it.
OSAMA: I can't do it. We're platonic friends.
I can't spoil that by coming on.
She'll slap my face.
MUHAMMAD: I've had my face slapped plenty.
OSAMA: But your turban doesn't go
flying across the room.
Linda returns with two drinks.
LINDA: Here we are, you can start on this.
MUHAMMAD: Go ahead, kiss her.
OSAMA: I can't.
The phone rings and startles Osama, as he answers it.
OSAMA (into phone): Hi, Dick. Yes, she's here.
I was going out -- I had a Polish date.
He hands the phone to Linda.
MUHAMMAD (to Osama): Relax. You're as nervous as Abu Jahl was before
I blew his brains out at the Battle of Badr. All you've got to do is
make your move.
OSAMA: This is crazy. We'll wind up on al Jazeera!
LINDA (into phone): OK, goodbye.
LINDA: Dick sounded down. I think
he's having trouble in Karachi. I wonder
why he never asks me along on his trips.
OSAMA: Maybe he's got something
going on the side. A fling.
LINDA: If I fell for another man,
it'd have to be more than just a fling.
I'd have to feel something more serious.
Are you shaking?
OSAMA: Just chilly.
LINDA: It's not very cold.
MUHAMMAD (to Osama): Move closer to her.
OSAMA: How close?
MUHAMMAD: The distance of Flight 175 to the south tower..
OSAMA: That's very close.
MUHAMMAD: Now, get ready for the big move
and do exactly as I tell you.
Suddenly, an imaginary Mohamed Atta appears and
confronts the imaginary Prophet Muhammad.
ATTA [to Muhammad]: I warned you to leave my ex-lover Osama alone.
Atta draws a pistol and shoots Muhammad.
Osama looks a bit panicky now that Muhammad is gone.
LINDA: I guess I'd better fix the steaks.
OSAMA: Your eyes are like two thick juicy steaks.
Osama kisses Linda, who recoils, pushing him away.
OSAMA: I was joking. I was just testing you.
It was a platonic kiss.
LINDA: I think I'd better go home.
OSAMA: You're making a mistake.
Linda waves goodbye and leaves the apartment.
OSAMA: I attacked her. I'm a vicious jungle beast..
I'm not the Prophet Muhammad. I never will be.
I'm a disgrace to my sex. I should get a job at an Arabian palace
as a eunuch.
The doorbell rings.
OSAMA: That's the vice squad. [He opens the door, and Linda is there.]
LINDA: Did you say you loved me?
Osama and Linda embrace and kiss and the scene fades.
INT. OSAMA'S APARTMENT -- THE NEXT DAY
MUHAMMAD: That's all there is to it.
OSAMA: For you, because you're Muhammad.
MUHAMMAD: Everybody is at certain times.
OSAMA: I guess the secret's not being you, it's being me.
MUHAMMAD: Here's looking at you, kid.
*with massive apologies to Woody Allen.
I'm Paul Iorio, and here's my regular column,The Daily Digression, which covers pop culture and beyond...
PAUL'S OTHER WEBSITES:
- My homepage is at paulliorio.blogspot.com
- NEW! My satire site is at ioriosatire.blogspot.com
- My main music site (w/lyrics) pauliorio.blogspot.com
- MP3s of my songs: myspace.com/paulioriosongs
- Audio excerpts of Paul's interviews with pop culture icons
myspace.com/pauliorioo & myspace.com/paulioriooo
All posted text on this website written solely by Paul Iorio.
MUHAMMAD: Go ahead, make your move.
OSAMA: No, I can't.
MUHAMMAD: Take her and kiss her..
LINDA (getting up to go to the kitchen): I'll get us both a drink.
MUHAMMAD: Well, kid, you blew it.
OSAMA: I can't do it. We're platonic friends.
I can't spoil that by coming on.
She'll slap my face.
MUHAMMAD: I've had my face slapped plenty.
OSAMA: But your turban doesn't go
flying across the room.
Linda returns with two drinks.
LINDA: Here we are, you can start on this.
MUHAMMAD: Go ahead, kiss her.
OSAMA: I can't.
The phone rings and startles Osama, as he answers it.
OSAMA (into phone): Hi, Dick. Yes, she's here.
I was going out -- I had a Polish date.
He hands the phone to Linda.
MUHAMMAD (to Osama): Relax. You're as nervous as Abu Jahl was before
I blew his brains out at the Battle of Badr. All you've got to do is
make your move.
OSAMA: This is crazy. We'll wind up on al Jazeera!
LINDA (into phone): OK, goodbye.
LINDA: Dick sounded down. I think
he's having trouble in Karachi. I wonder
why he never asks me along on his trips.
OSAMA: Maybe he's got something
going on the side. A fling.
LINDA: If I fell for another man,
it'd have to be more than just a fling.
I'd have to feel something more serious.
Are you shaking?
OSAMA: Just chilly.
LINDA: It's not very cold.
MUHAMMAD (to Osama): Move closer to her.
OSAMA: How close?
MUHAMMAD: The distance of Flight 175 to the south tower..
OSAMA: That's very close.
MUHAMMAD: Now, get ready for the big move
and do exactly as I tell you.
Suddenly, an imaginary Mohamed Atta appears and
confronts the imaginary Prophet Muhammad.
ATTA [to Muhammad]: I warned you to leave my ex-lover Osama alone.
Atta draws a pistol and shoots Muhammad.
Osama looks a bit panicky now that Muhammad is gone.
LINDA: I guess I'd better fix the steaks.
OSAMA: Your eyes are like two thick juicy steaks.
Osama kisses Linda, who recoils, pushing him away.
OSAMA: I was joking. I was just testing you.
It was a platonic kiss.
LINDA: I think I'd better go home.
OSAMA: You're making a mistake.
Linda waves goodbye and leaves the apartment.
OSAMA: I attacked her. I'm a vicious jungle beast..
I'm not the Prophet Muhammad. I never will be.
I'm a disgrace to my sex. I should get a job at an Arabian palace
as a eunuch.
The doorbell rings.
OSAMA: That's the vice squad. [He opens the door, and Linda is there.]
LINDA: Did you say you loved me?
Osama and Linda embrace and kiss and the scene fades.
INT. OSAMA'S APARTMENT -- THE NEXT DAY
MUHAMMAD: That's all there is to it.
OSAMA: For you, because you're Muhammad.
MUHAMMAD: Everybody is at certain times.
OSAMA: I guess the secret's not being you, it's being me.
MUHAMMAD: Here's looking at you, kid.
*with massive apologies to Woody Allen.
I'm Paul Iorio, and here's my regular column,The Daily Digression, which covers pop culture and beyond...
PAUL'S OTHER WEBSITES:
- My homepage is at paulliorio.blogspot.com
- NEW! My satire site is at ioriosatire.blogspot.com
- My main music site (w/lyrics) pauliorio.blogspot.com
- MP3s of my songs: myspace.com/paulioriosongs
- Audio excerpts of Paul's interviews with pop culture icons
myspace.com/pauliorioo & myspace.com/paulioriooo
All posted text on this website written solely by Paul Iorio.
____________________________________________________________________
I'm Paul Iorio, and here's my regular column,The Daily Digression, which covers pop culture and beyond...
PAUL'S OTHER WEBSITES:
- My homepage is at paulliorio.blogspot.com
- My photography site is paulioriophotos.blogspot.com
- My main music site (w/lyrics) pauliorio.blogspot.com
- NEW! MP3s of my songs: myspace.com/paulioriosongs
- Audio excerpts of Paul's interviews with pop culture icons
myspace.com/pauliorioo & myspace.com/paulioriooo
All posted text on this website written solely by Paul Iorio.
____________________________________________________________________
I'm Paul Iorio, and here's my regular column,The Daily Digression, which covers pop culture and beyond...
PAUL'S OTHER WEBSITES:
- My homepage is at paulliorio.blogspot.com
- NEW! My satire site is at ioriosatire.blogspot.com
- My main music site (w/lyrics) pauliorio.blogspot.com
- MP3s of my songs: myspace.com/paulioriosongs
- Audio excerpts of Paul's interviews with pop culture icons
myspace.com/pauliorioo & myspace.com/paulioriooo
All posted text on this website written solely by Paul Iorio.
____________________________________________________________________
Fatwa Against Pooches in Iran!
A low-level Ayatollah in Iran, TK, recently outlawed
images of dogs in advertising, among other canine-related
restrictions. Here's a link to an L.A. Times story
about it:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/babylonbeyond/2010/08/iran-animals-pets-fatwa-islam-ahmadinejad-nagess-.html
I must admit that some years back I came across a
pooch-related promotion that forever convinced me
that dogs-in-advertising are not evil! It happened
while I was writing and reporting my fourth story for
The Washington Post, in 2002, which was partly about
a San Francisco restaurant called The Doggie Diner.
Here's a photo I shot for the article I wrote for
The Washington Post:
[photo by Paul Iorio, publishedin The Washington Post, March 24, 2002]
By the way, here's an editorial cartoon I came up with this morning
about the Ayatollah's fatwa:
THE DAILY DIGRESSION
for August 26, 2010
Interesting remembrance of Max's Kansas City and Andy Warhol
on the newyorker.com site (linked here: http://www.newyorker.com/talk/2010/08/30/100830ta_talk_seabrook).
Reminds me that Warhol would have turned 82 a couple weeks
ago, if he had survived what should have been routine surgery
at New York Hospital in early 1987.
I didn't really know Andy Warhol, though I did attend several
private parties in Manhattan in the 1980s that Warhol was at.
In terms of first-hand memories: the first time I saw Warhol
was in late 1985, at a party for the rock band Ratt at A Dish
of Salt. And the last time I saw him was on July 4, 1986, on
a boat anchored in New York harbor in the shadow of the
Statue of Liberty. ZZ Top was aboard the boat and gave a
concert for the few dozen people on deck. (What an opportunity
it was to see ZZ Top perform their classic tunes from a
distance of just a few feet, by the way.)
But Warhol almost upstaged every celeb onboard that day. As I described
it in my November 3, 2009, blog:
"Just before ZZ Top performed a private
concert for the small crowd on the boat, Warhol
emerged from the upper deck and walked down the stairs,
causing almost everyone onboard to stop and stare.
Warhol, accustomed to that sort of attention, had a characteristically
novel response: he pulled out a camera and started taking
pictures of partygoers as if they were the celebrities and
main attractions. Very, uh, Warholesque."
And now (for the first time online!) here is the review
I wrote of that ZZ Top performance (and of Warhol's appearance),
which was published in Cash Box magazine in July 1986:
* * *
While I'm in a Warhol mood, here's a 1972 work of his,
"Vote McGovern," that I photographed a year or so ago.
But I digress. Paul
________________________________________
* just a joke -- I'm not married!
THE DAILY DIGRESSION
for August 24, 2010
[by Paul Iorio]* * * * *
And now, a few original jokes I came up with earlier this year...
Everyone's criticizing Imam Feisal Rauf these days. But
they ignore the fact that he has shown a vast degree of
tolerance -- toward the 19 hijackers and bin Laden.
* * * *
Seriously, folks, I went to Cash for Clunkers with my wife.
The dealer said, "I can't pay you anything for the clunker,
but I'll give you a few bucks for the car!" [ba-da-ching]
* * * *
I have a friend whose mother lacked any love and affection
for him. When he was a kid, he had a mild case of dandruff -- and
his mom told the doctor, "Do not resuscitate."
But I digress. Paul
______________________________________
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad tells the IAEA:
"Yes, I kampf!"[by Paul Iorio]
b
* * * *
Because my television has been on the fritz for the last week, I
haven't been able to get NBC (I'm starting to miss "Today" and
"Nightly News"). But I did catch Brian Williams on "Charlie Rose"
the other night and saw clips of the new NBC News docu on
Katrina. Harrowing stuff.
In remembrance of the tragedy of '05, here's a shot I took of New
Orleans during my 1976 trip there:
The way it was. [photo by Paul Iorio]
By the way, TNY reports that over a hundred thousand people
who relocated to Houston after Katrina are still living in
Houston. I thought about them as I flew over Houston
several weeks ago. Here's a photo I shot of a Houston 'burb:
Houston subdivision, last month. [photo
by Paul Iorio]
Also, Brian Williams, on "Charlie Rose," mentioned that he
has a pretty amazing passport that includes -- get this -- visas
to Iraq and to Iran.
Impressive, I must admit.
I can't say I have that beat, but check this out: here's
my 1976 visa to Bulgaria, the most Soviet of the eastern bloc
satellites at the time. Below, the Cold War document that
enabled me to get behind the Iron Curtain in '76 (as a
teenage American citizen on his way to Istanbul):
A rarity: a visa to Bulgaria (and border stamp) on a
1976 American passport [from Paul Iorio's
passport]
THE DAILY DIGRESSION
for August 11, 2010
A Couple Upcoming Shows, etc.....
A few mid-summer items about upcoming shows:
First, They Might Be Giants are playing a free gig at
Stern Grove in San Francisco on August 22.
I've been in an archival mood lately, so I thought I'd share
the first stories about They Might Be Giants that I wrote
and reported, dating back to September 1985 (almost 25 years
ago!), when I penned the very first story about the duo to appear
in any trade publication.
Here's that review:
Above, my write-up of They Might Be Giants's September
13, 1985, gig at Neither/Nor in the East Village.
At the time, they were unsigned and nobody had written
about them at the trade mag level. It appeared in the
Sept. 29, 1985, issue of Cash Box.
* * * *
Here's a flyer for the '85 Neither/Nor show (above).
* * * *
Here's the second piece I wrote about the Giants.
It appeared in the December 14, 2985, issue of
Cash Box.
* * * *
A later piece of mine, from the December 13,
1986, issue of Cash Box, capturing a
very fun and vivid interview I conducted with
the duo!
* * * *
By the time of this concert review, published in
Cash Box on February 28, 1987, the Giants were
no longer obscure and had expanded their audience
considerably. This is how I reviewed their February
7, 1987, concert at CBGBs.
* * * * *
* * * * *
Also on August 22, Cirque du Soleil is giving a free
show at the Grove in Los Angeles, performing parts of
six of their shows. (Here's an L.A. Times piece
about it: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/culturemonster/2010/08/cirque-du-soleil-coming-to-the-grove-but-for-one-day-only.html)
I'm not a huge fan of Cirque (though I hear great
things about The Beatles' "Love") and have only seen them
once (the Dralion show in Irvine, Calif, on
January 9, 2000). But some of their acrobatics and effects
are nothing short of magical, and you should
catch them if you can.
Ah, my first Cirque show, Jan. 9, '00. Took the train
to Irvine, saw the show, interviewed various
Cirque players, wrote it up for the San Fran Chronicle!
[Above, Dralion ticket and train ticket to Irvine. (Can
I file an expense report 10 years later? Jus' jokin'.)]
But I digress. Paul
_________________________________
How I Was Able to Be the First Journalist Anywhere to Interview Trey Anastasio on Tape
Photo of Phish that the band sent to me in 1988.
It's safe to say, I think, that The Phish I remember is not the
Phish almost everyone else knows. And that's because I was the
first journalist anywhere to have conducted a taped interview with
Trey Anastasio (here's an audio clip of the January '89 Q&A;
Trey Anastasio (here's an audio clip of the January '89 Q&A;
http://www.myspace.com/paulioriooo ; and here's
the '89 interview transcript, published many years later in Miami
For the record, I was also the first writer (outside its
Burlington hometown) to have written about the band
(see scan below) and the first person to tell Trey about the band
(see scan below) and the first person to tell Trey about the band
Widespread Panic (and I even did so on audiotape, whch you
can hear here: http://www.myspace.com/paulioriooo).
Actually, my connection to the band dates back to early 1988 and late 1987.
A few months after I left my staff writer position at
Cash Box magazine in New York in '87, I came up with an idea
to do a story on the pop music community in Burlington for the
East Coast Rocker, a New Jersey-based music newspaper. And I
asked dozens of unsigned Vermont bands to send me tapes.
Among those who sent in tapes was Phish, which mailed me
a 1987 demo featuring four originals ("Golgi Apparatus,"
"Fee," "David Bowie," and "Fluffhead," all of which
later appeared on "Junta") and two covers.
My first interviews with Phish's Mike Gordon date back
to an astonishingly early January 1988. Back then, we
talked on a fairly regular basis, and here is a letter he
sent to me in 1988:
Actually, my connection to the band dates back to early 1988 and late 1987.
A few months after I left my staff writer position at
Cash Box magazine in New York in '87, I came up with an idea
to do a story on the pop music community in Burlington for the
East Coast Rocker, a New Jersey-based music newspaper. And I
asked dozens of unsigned Vermont bands to send me tapes.
Among those who sent in tapes was Phish, which mailed me
a 1987 demo featuring four originals ("Golgi Apparatus,"
"Fee," "David Bowie," and "Fluffhead," all of which
later appeared on "Junta") and two covers.
My first interviews with Phish's Mike Gordon date back
to an astonishingly early January 1988. Back then, we
talked on a fairly regular basis, and here is a letter he
sent to me in 1988:
I interviewed Mike Gordon a full year before I spoke with Trey,
though I didn't record those conversations; however, Gordon
did send me this handwritten letter, dated March 8, 1988 (above).
I eventually wrote about the group for the newspaper's July 19,
1989, issue, calling Phish "an unlikely combination of the
Grateful Dead and Steely Dan" in a story that stands as the
first to mention the band in a publication outside the
Burlington area (besides concert listings in newspapers).
Meanwhile, my Anastasio interview of '89 stayed in a drawer
in my desk for years; nobody wanted the interview at the time
because the band was almost completely unknown (and would
remain that way for some time to come).
My '89 interview with Trey was finally published
many years later, on December 24, 2003, in Miami New Times,
after it had become something of a talked-about
pop culture artifact of significance to Phishheads. (Click the New Times
link (above) to read the New Times piece, or check it out in
the Phish Archive!: http://www.phisharchive.com/articles/2003/miami1.html
Above, my description of Phish for a newspaper in 1989,
the first mention of the band in print outside
of Burlington.
Anyway, I lost contact with the band after 1989, so I don't
really know any of the bandmembers (and, frankly, I haven't
really followed their music that closely since). But I was there
first!
But I digress. Paul
____________________________________
____________________________________
THE DAILY DIGRESSION
for August 15, 2009
Exclusive!
THE DAILY DIGRESSION
for August 3, 2010
exclusive
65 Years After the First Nuclear War in Northeast Asia...
North Korea Escalates Nuclear War Threats
Hate to break the news, but the violent threats
from the North Korean government are actually a bit worse than
what is being reported in the western press.
I've been reading the North Korean government's official
English-language website on a daily basis for more than a
year and have noticed how the taunts have become
more violent, vehement and specific in the last couple
months.
Here are just a few recent incendiary quotes from
the DPRK site:
-- several weeks ago, the official site threatened the
possibility of "turn[ing] Seoul...into a sea of flame."
-- on June 12th, the site said that "there is even strong
opinion that the ship [the Cheonan] was sunk by the U.S."
-- several days ago, it stated that North Korea will use its
"powerful nuclear deterrence" to counter the naval exercises
now being conducted by the U.S. and South Korea in the
Yellow Sea.
-- And then there is this unsettling message posted a few
days ago: "If they provoke a war in any waters of the Korean
peninsula, whether in the East Sea or in the West Sea of Korea,
this war will spread not only into the Korean peninsula but into
the rest of Northeast Asia and rapidly develop into a new
global war."
Which means what, exactly? The DPRK has to be referring to
China -- there's no other way to interpret that.
Are they implying that China has their back, that a DPRK
retaliation against naval exercises will be backed by
the PRC?
Is Kim Jong-il Hu Jintao's Agnew, saying and doing hardline
things that Hu can't?
By the way, just hours ago [8am PT] it was reported that the PRC
is now conducting live-amo air defense exercises near
the Yellow Sea, practicing its defense of Beijing, which
is virtually across the water from Pyongyang.
Can Kim be considered anything but a clinical paranoid
if he really does believe, against all evidence, that the
United States was likely responsible for the sinking of the
Cheonan? And if that is Kim's reality baseline, as it
appears to be, then the prospect of war seems more
probable.
I must admit these DPRK threats are making me a
bit queasy about the 65th anniversary of the first
nuclear war in northeast Asia, coming up in a few
days, on August 6th.
But I digress. Paul
________________________________________
1. The army and people of the DPRK will legitimately counter with their powerful nuclear deterrence
August 6, 1945
The alarming violent threats from the North Korean government's official
English-language website continue, on a nearly weekly basis.
Here are some direct quotes:
THE DAILY DIGRESSION
for August 2, 2010
Xgau for "American Idol" Judge
I know, the L.A. Times beat me to the punch on this one,
nominating Robert Christgau as a candidate for judge on
"American Idol." Privately, I was thinking the same
thing the day before.
Put a truth-teller on the "Idol" panel. The "AI" audience might
actually respond to him as an intellectual, temperamental
version of Simon Cowell.
First, full disclosure: I sent him my album "130 Songs" -- the
most reviewable of my releases, in my opinion -- weeks before he stopped
writing his Consumer Guide last month. So it's now too late for
any possible CG consideration, but let me say that even if he
had reviewed "130 Songs" and not given it an A or B, I'd still
say the same thing: the guy's a genius.
And I'm not kissing his ass, either, because it wouldn't do me
any good anyway. One thing about xgau: you can't flatter your
way to a good review with him -- and crossing him won't get you
a bad one (just ask Lou Reed).
And I can't say I know him, but I did meet him a few times
when I was a staff writer/reporter for Cash Box magazine's
New York bureau in the 1980s. He visited me at
my office at the magazine in very early 1986, when I was
the new guy on the block, looking for some article
on (I think) Russ Solomon or something. And I remember
the whole place was abuzz afterwards, as if Bob Dylan
himself had flown in from Malibu to visit my office on
West 58th St. (And this was an office accustomed to
visits from famous folks, where everybody from members
of The Byrds to Debbie Gibson visited me back in the day.)
I certainly haven't always agreed with him; aesthetically, I'm
more of a melodist for whom Paul McCartney and Ray Davies are kings
(for me, "Muswell Hillbillies" and "Ram" are major albums). But
even when I disagree with him, I see his point.
He's changed the way I view even familiar works (like "The
Beatles Second Album," which I now see as sort of the
band's hip hop LP) and introduced me to great
stuff (the joys of side one of Grandmaster Flash and the
Furious Five's "The Message" LP, Fela Kuti's pre-Maiduguri
prison work, etc.).
There are very few off-key notes in his writings (his take
on the Beatles' "Revolution" was one, but he more than made
up for it by not docking Johnny Ramone, another genius, points for
having been a rightist).
Missing from his Consumer Guide collection are the landmark albums
of the Fifties and Sixties, which, of course, pre-dated the CG.
It would be great if he were to write a book of Consumer Guide
reviews of the major LPs from 1955 to 1970.
I get the same sort of rush reading his reviews as reading other
writers who use words in unprecedented ways (e.g., Donald Barthelme,
Allen Ginsberg, etc.). I think it was novelist Harry Crews who
once told me in a bar that the definition of poetry is
memorable language -- and xgau's writings are certainly that.
His reviews were all about music, but not about music at all.
But I digress. Paul
_________________________________________
xxx
THE DAILY DIGRESSION
for August 2, 2010
I know, the L.A. Times beat me to the punch on this one,
nominating Robert Christgau as a candidate for judge on
"American Idol." Privately, I was thinking the same
thing the day before.
First, full disclosure: I sent him my album "130 Songs" -- my most
reviewable release, in my opinion -- weeks before he stopped
writing his Consumer Guide last month. So it's now too late for CG
consideration, but lemme say that even if he had reviewed "130 Songs"
and not given it an A or B, I'd still say the same thing: the guy's a
genius.
And I'm not kissing his ass, either, because it wouldn't
do me any good anyway. One thing about xgau: you can't flatter your
way to a good review with him -- and crossing him won't get you
a bad one (just ask Lou Reed).
I certainly don't always agree with him; aesthetically, I'm
more of a melodist for whom Paul McCartney and Ray Davies are kings
(for me, "Muswell Hillbillies" and "Ram" are major albums). But
even when I disagree with him, I see his point.
His Consumer Guide reviews are more like poems than reviews, and
people read them because they tell them about themselves
and shed light on things. In a sense, they're really not about
music at all.
Anyway, Fox should put a truth-teller up there on the "Idol"
panel.
n't get to meet John Hammond Sr. until he was 74 years old, and he was as modern and cu
THE DAILY DIGRESSION
for July 31, 2010
OK, folks, I'm back from a brief vacation, so i've got lots of
backlogged material that I'll start rolling out this afternoon.
First,
Paul Krugman for Treasury Sec'y
Christgau for "American Idol" Judge
new material added July 18, 2010! Free MP3 downloads/streams of Paul's songs at pauliorio.vox.com & myspace.com/paulioriosongs NEWFour brand new songs by Paul now posted here (7/18/2010): fourbrandnewpaulsongs.vox.com....Many thanks to KALX radio and Marshall Stax for playing my new song "IF IT'S TUESDAY, IT MUST BE SUSANNAH" last night on The Next Big Thing! Hear it here: ifitstuesday.vox.com(6/1/10)...Hear my previous song "BACKFIRE" here: http://backfire.vox.com The track is from the latest (and ultimate) Paul Iorio album, "130 SONGS," a limited-edition collection (details coming below)....Paul's songs "IF I WERE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LIKE YOU" and "TALIBAN VIRGINS" are streaming here: ifiwereabeautifulwoman.vox.com [Feb. 16, 2010]....And thanks to Hollow Earth Radio in Seattle for airing my new song "I WAS YOUNG (UNTIL FAIRLY RECENTLY)" the other month. Hear that one here: ioriopaul.vox.com....
I'm Paul Iorio, and here I am in my Berkeley apartment! * * *
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